So, today I was contacted by the Bible Study leader. She said she’d read yesterday’s blog post and felt really bad that I thought I wasn’t wanted at the Bible Study. She also said she’d be more than happy to get together with me in the next week to go over the first week’s lesson. Now I feel guilty for making her feel bad and for making her have to do more work all because of my roadblocks. I think I’ll be okay if I don’t go over it with her. And yes, I do plan on attending in two weeks—come Hell or high water! Can I say that without offending anyone? I guess I just did.
Anyway, now that that’s settled and I’m going to keep on keeping on with my original plan, I was freed up mentally to do a little cleaning of my house this morning. And, man did it need it! I did some deep thinking, but not so much deep cleaning. With my other book, an agent asked me what was at stake. In other words, what would have happened if I hadn’t explored death? I had to do some soul searching on that one, but I finally figured it out. I used to have pretty bad social anxiety and looking at death helped me to live. And I imagine you’re totally thinking What??? I assure you it will make more sense if you read the book. Maybe one day you’ll have that opportunity, but don’t hold your breath or anything.
In 2010, I went through four months of cognitive behavioral therapy through a study at SMU and my fight or flight kookiness really got better after that. I could write an entire week’s worth of blog posts on the crazy stuff they made us do in therapy, but I don’t want to completely veer off track. Okay, here’s one thing because you’re probably thinking I’m being sort of secretive. It involved trying on ugly/ill-fitting clothes and then walking around a retail establishment asking random strangers what they thought about my ensemble. So, anyway, I’m still not a social butterfly or anything, but I’m no longer avoiding situations that involve people. And that’s a good thing.
So, this got me thinking about why I’m doing this particular exploration. I’m going to let Barbara Streisand, a very talented Jewish singer answer it for me with a song.
Confused? Are you thinking, but Pamela, I thought you wanted to find God? What’s this about people? Well, here’s the thing. My husband and I moved to Texas two years ago on my fortieth birthday. It was like 100 degrees outside and I felt like Samantha in Sixteen Candles, except everyone knew it was my birthday, but they had to move my couch inside and that was probably more important than celebrating the fact that I was turning the big 4-0. Sorry for the digression. What I’m trying to say is that it is difficult to make friends in a new town when you’re old and prone to profuse sweating in the presence of strangers.
So, I went to therapy. And I met one friend, but not in therapy. I met my friend through the PTA at my kids’ school. And the thing is, she’s really religious. And I’m not. This is the Bible belt, ya’ll. I’m surrounded. And I’m not saying that’s a bad thing. I’m just saying, I’m curious to see what everyone is so excited about. I’m also a smart shopper in that I’m not going to pick the first place I find. I want to explore several places (and that would be 12 because a year sounds like a reasonable plan) to see what’s out there.
And that involves going out and meeting people. In houses of worship.
Are we on the same page now? Good. You can go back to whatever you were doing.